The Joshua Yoder Blog

As much as I would to say that I have been the happiest that I have ever been. It really hasn't been feeling that way for a little while now. Mainly because many of my old thoughts have returned and to say things have been intense would be a very BIG understatement. I honestly feel bad about this because I know that there are so many others out there suffering as much if not more than I am. Which is kind of the problem. I ultimately end up so being hurtful towards myself. I start getting angry with myself and begin to just say horrible things about myself and even with issues from being taken advantage of I just hold in my anger and frustration with people because I don't want to hate anybody. But then it gets so bad and I end up just taken it out on myself. Honestly I feel like tired a lot and it has been affecting me creativity as well as emotionally. It is that constant battle of if I am ever good enough for anything and wonder if I am ever going to make it life or do good i...

This coming Thursday will be April 25, 2024. On one hand, I will be getting to watch the up and coming NFL Draft. But before I go and do that, I will be going to remembering one of my favorite people who was in my life and brought me a lot of amazing memories. And that was my Pap. It is very hard to believe that it has been over twenty years since the surprising death of Pap. To this very day it still stings a bit looking back on his untimely death mainly because I was so young when he past away. April 25, 2000 will always be a day of sorrow personally. I remember it like it was yesterday, Me and my twin brother Chad were only nine years old and along with our older brother Cody, had just came home from School when we were quickly brought into the house by my parents. I will never forget the look on my mother's face, she seemed so pale. I remember she sat us down on the couch and told us that Pap had a big heart attack and was rushed to the hospital and even worse, he didn't ma...

 These last few days have been quite interesting to say the least and be prepared to be shocked everybody because I am going to be positive. Which does not happen too often. But Hey! I'll take it! I just been having this incredible feeling coming over me and it has me excited about something I honestly never really thought about before. And that is Hope For The Future. I know it is rich coming from someone like me, especially with my history dealing with what I have and I know that I will certainly will be dealing with it in the future as well. And to be honest, I feel like I can take it with a smile on my face. Again, this is something I am not use to and I am certainly looking forward to see what God has in store for me. Even though it feels like everything in the world is crumbling, I truly believe that there is something beautiful coming out of all of this. I really am so excited to see what all of this means to me in my life because again, I am not really use to feeling this w...

 I recently went to the movie theater this past weekend with some friends along with my twin brother Chad and the movie we all went to see was called Godzilla x King Kong: The New Empire. The movie itself wasn't too bad if I am being perfectly honest with all of you. But watching the movie had brought me to an interesting thought. What is really out there? You see, movies like that especially ones that involve stuff like space travel, the rise of technology, laser weapons, aliens, etc. Stuff like this is always fascinating to me because I believe in aliens and stuff and often wonder what is out there. Whether it be seeing other planets, other solar systems, flying cars, being able to teleport or becoming a cyborg, the future seems pretty cool. Of course there are also several things that can go wrong with the future. So I guess what I am trying to say is I would love to be able to see where all of this is going. But I don't believe that I will live long enough to see it. And it...

 In a previous blog I had written about wanting to be true to myself and to be able to be among other people and find a sense of belonging and closeness that I have been looking for, for a very long time now. However I often wonder in my head if it is too late for me to be able to do that because I feel as though everyone in the world is drifting a part from each other. I say this for a couple different reasons. Number 1, technology, with the rise of the internet that started in the mid-90s people seem more interested with stuff online than what is happening in the real world. Everywhere I go now, people seem to be on their phones so much even if they are at a public area or event. Which is weird to me because I remember my father would always make fun of me and my twin brother Chad for playing video games or watching pro wrestling and even anime. But what I think my dad doesn't realize is that when we were little, yes we did play a lot of video games, we were a part of the Pokemon...

 As I continue to try my best with getting out into the world and be more open and honest with myself as well as other people. I have been facing a lot of issues with being more open or maybe I am just overthinking things as always. I guess, what I am trying to say is that I wish I was more confident in what I want to say or tell people. And to also be less concerning on how people would react to some of the things I really want to talk about or want to discover if this is truly something that really is a part of me. It is however getting a little tougher for me mainly because of how the world is constantly changing and everybody is just judging and or attacking one another over slight differences. I just want to be myself without fear of having to look over my shoulder. But I will say I have been slowly building up my confidence with everything especially this past year. And I give all the credit to GOD. These last few months alone I have been noticing that I haven't been as anxio...

 I have been on a huge James Bond kick these last few days and I have been enjoying every single second of it. I got to give Ian Fleming a lot of credit, he surely knows how to make a great story. I ain't just talking about the movies either, I highly recommend checking out the books as well. One of the interesting facts about Ian Fleming was in real life, he worked with the British Naval Intelligence Division during WWII. Which makes sense that he would write about a spy saving the world. Another fun fact about Fleming was when he wrote his first James Bond story, Casino Royale back in 1952. Fleming was 44 years at the time. And the story itself was a huge hit and Fleming never looked back. Boy do I enjoy watching James Bond, to be honest the big reason is because I wish I could be more like him. I mean who wouldn't want to be a spy who saves the world from evil and be with beautiful women aka the Bond Girls. Of course, in the real world, I am no where near able to have the ph...

 I am so excited and nervous at the same time for this special news. Mainly because I can honestly say that I did something that for a long time never really thought was possible and that was publish a book. Well now it is here, on March 25, 2024, you can order my book of poems called Thoughts Of A Sheltered Mind on Amazon. Holy crap am I ever nervous yet excited about it! It has been a long time coming, ever since my time in high school writing has been something that has kept me sane through a lot of dark times and now to see where it has taken me really brings a tear to my eyes. And I am so thankful for it. Thoughts Of A Sheltered Mind as mentioned earlier is a book of Poems that I personally have written. There are several different themes in this book. Which makes sense because my mind is constantly racing with a ton of thoughts on a daily basis. You will see poems that involve religion/spirituality, sex/romance, anger, depression, struggles with anxiety and suicidal thoughts....

 Ever get the feeling that there is a change happening around you? Whether it be in your dreams, listening to music or just simply going through your day? A better question is, what do you make of it? Or What is it suppose to mean? I have been getting some sightings of a butterfly these last few days and it has for some reason really gotten my attention. It started with me seeing blue butterflies in my dreams, which have always made me feel so peaceful. I didn't really think much of it at the time. But as time went on, I started other things happening to me that features butterflies. But the biggest sign that made me realize something interesting was happening was when I lay down my rosary next to my bed one night and I swear I did not do this on purpose, but when I looked down at my rosary the beads were in a shape of a butterfly. It blew my mind and I just had to look up the meaning. The common meaning behind seeing a butterfly or butterflies is about joy, rebirth. And Blue Butte...

 Ah! Valentine's Day. It is a very special day to many people around the world as a day to celebrate love and romance.  It actually was originally a Christian feast day which honored St. Valentine of Rome who was imprisoned for ministering to Christians under the Roman Empire in the Third Century. Many stories associated with St. Valentine involve the theme of Love as well as the tradition of St. Valentine performing weddings for Christian soldiers who forbidden to be able to marry because of the Roman Emperor. An interesting part of the story was how St. Valentine wrote a letter to the jailer's daughter which said from "Your Valentine" as a farewell before being executed. Romance has been an interesting thing to me. It is something I humbly believe we all search for but no one ever truly masters it. It is something we all try to explain but never can. We all try to make it look simple, but it has been simple and it never will be. Mainly because we find different ways...

 As I have slowly try to be more honest with myself and be more open to other people. I wanted to talk about something that I've always wanted to explore, but never really knew how to approach it. And that is interracial relationships.  To best explain why I am writing about this is a movie I once watched a little while ago, and that movie was called China Girl. China Girl had came out back in 1987 and was written by Nicholas St. John and was directed by Abel Ferrara. The story was a contemporary take on the classic story of Romeo and Juliet. The setting of the movie is in Manhattan during the 1980s where we meet Tony, a young man from Little Italy and Tye, a young woman from Chinatown who formed an emotional bond throughout the film. Another factor that was major part of the movie was that the main characters' brothers were in rival gangs. And also how neither brother wanted them to date one another.  But both Tony and Tye would continue to see each other in secret and g...

 Some of you maybe surprised by this, but I do enjoy some opera here and there. One of those musicals/ stories I really love is the Phantom of The Opera. The Phantom of The Opera was created back in in the late 1900s. It was written by french writer Gaston Leroux. It is a romance, horror, mystery, gothic fiction kind of story. The plot starts off at the Palais Garnier Opera House which is a real Opera House in France is haunted by the "Phantom of the Opera" after a stagehand was left hanging. Later in the story, Christine Daae is called upon to sing after another singer was ill. Her performance was a huge success which catches the eye of the Phantom. He later abducts her in her dressing room and plans to hold her in his secret lair. Originally he plans on keeping Christine there for a few days. But she unmasks him revealing his deformed face as well as his name which is Erik. Erik agrees to let her go free on a promise that he would marry her. As Christine is let go she runs ...

 I don't like to cause any problems with anybody but there have been a lot of things that I been wanting to get off my chest for a very long time now. And that is in my humble opinion people don't seem to want to be honest about really anything anymore. Now, I could be just a little paranoid, maybe my anxiety is getting the best of me or whatever. But as time has past I have been getting a weird feeling all over me. You see, I just feel as though people no one is really being honest with each other, themselves or to God anymore. I wish I could describe it better but it has been a concern of mine for quite a long time now and I feel like it is getting worse. People would always say things to me like, Josh it is just a different time. But honestly, I think that is just a lame excuse. And the reason I say that is because a lot of those same people who say that kind of stuff to me are the exact same people who then say that they don't understand how things around us are getting...

 These last few days have kind of been a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions right now and I am letting some stuff get to me again. A lot of this has to do with some of the stuff I am writing about in my blog because in one of my previous ones that I have written. I made promise to myself that I will not be afraid of some of the stuff that I want to talk/write about. I promise I am working on those blogs as we speak, the problem however is the simple fact that I started to let those voices in my head telling me that I shouldn't do it, people are going to hate me, etc. I think that it is pretty obvious that I am socially awkward. And recently my mind and body sort of gave out on me and I have been trying to relax these couple of days. I am feeling better now for anyone who is concerned.  The problem I am currently having is that I would love to be able to express a lot of things, but as I mentioned earlier, I fear that people are going to hate me and I don't want people to hate ...

 One of my favorite people who helped inspire my love for the arts was the famous painter known as Bob Ross who hosted the Joy of Painting show from 1983 to 1994 on PBS. Man I loved that show and still watch it a good bit thanks to many streaming services as well as Youtube and it never gets old. You can make the argument that his show really helped you relax and make it seem like your troubles never existed and you could finally be at peace. Though I am no expert when it comes to painting, or as good as Ross was. But if it weren't him, I often wonder if I'd ever fall in love with art whether it be painting, drawing, writing, music, etc. Ross just made art seem so simple and beautiful, it kind of was like the world wasn't such a dark place or that art could be used as a weapon of light to get through the darkness. I always enjoyed how he smacked his brush around and just chuckled and said, just beat the devil out of it lol. Or another one was everybody could use a friend or...

 Recently I had myself quite an experience and it kind of made me feel like it was something that needs to be discussed. You see, I had this dream, vision, whatever you like to call it about seeing blue butterflies flying all around me. It felt so peaceful and it really brighten my spirits. I went online to see what possible meanings were about them and some have different opinions, but one thing that really connected with me was the fact that it talked about positive changes coming into my life. Another reason why I am writing about this is because this is not the first time things like this have happened to me in my life. And also there are some people out there that probably think I am out of my mind but I truly believe that God is there for me and watching over me. Another cool moment came during a very dark point in my life. It was a couple months after my Nan had passed away and to say I was crushed would be an understatement. With my Nan gone, I really wanted to end it all b...

 I can't believe it has been 15 years since me and Chad have graduated from Lewistown Area High School back in 2009. High school was a very interesting time for not just myself, but for many of us who had attended, mainly because usually times at high school is the time of getting to know ones self and discover who they are and what there place is in this world. Being a teenage to becoming a young adult can be very challenging to a lot of people during this time in life. Especially with dealing with all sorts of different emotions that we didn't understand before. Sadly, there are also a lot of young people who struggled to figure things out during their time in high school and I was certainly one of those people.  I mention this because recently I found and looked back through my yearbook when I graduated from Lewistown and it was pretty cool to see some old faces especially now that I am older and learned so much about myself. The only problem about this is I wish I knew wha...

 For and for most, I hope and pray that every single one of you out there and a safe and blessed Christmas this year. I certainly enjoyed being around my family. But now, we all must turn towards the future because 2023 will soon be coming to an end. And what an interesting year it has been. I can only speak for myself and how my 2023 has been and if I am perfectly honest with all of you. It was an emotional roller coaster for me. It went from being stressed and overworked, to trying to find my inner peace and create something special with my writing. And if there has been one thing I have loved about myself during the year of 2023, was how much I was abusing myself and also how I started to stand up to myself and became more open and honest about how I felt things were going with everything around me. I have learned so much these last few months about myself that it kind of brought a tear to my eye because there have been so much running through my mind that I had kept inside and ...

 You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen and Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen. But you recall the most famous reindeer of all? Ah yes! Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, this was one of my favorite Christmas stories ever! And since we are getting ever so closer to Christmas, I figured it would be appropriate to talk about this amazing story. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was created by Robert L. May and it made its debut on the bookshelves back in 1939. The story goes as Rudolph was born with a glowing red nose which in turn leads him to being mocked and teased by his fellow reindeer. But what at first was thought to be a weakness, turned out to be his greatest strength as a huge winter storm covered the world which kept Santa from delivering toys for Christmas. That was until they used Rudolph's glowing red nose to light the way for Santa and his sleigh. This story is so amazing and it is also the kind of story that is still relevant to this very day. The reason why I...

 I wanted to express a concern of mine, not just about myself, but for all of us. You see, to me Christmas is about celebrating Jesus and bringing good will to each other and I still believe in those values. But I would be lying if I said things haven't been a little rough for me lately these last few days. However, it is not just with my own stuff mentally, physically and spiritually. But with what I am seeing in the world around me and my concern that things aren't getting any better. Now some of you may think I am talking crazy or over thinking things and maybe I am. But nobody can deny that there is something off in the world right now. My main concern is that society is falling apart and worst off no one seems interested in helping. People would always tell me that it is a different time or things change, you just have to change with it. However, the only problem I have with that is those same people who tell me these things are the exact same people who run around like a ...

 Well with it getting after so closer to Christmas time, I figure I would discuss one of my favorite Christmas stories of all time. And that is one about a mean old green creature called the Grinch! How the Grinch Stole Christmas was created by the late great Dr. Seuss back in 1957 and it was about how the Grinch was sick and tired about having to listen to the Whos, who were celebrating Christmas and decided to dress up as Santa Claus and steal all of their stuff only to ultimately discover the true meaning of Christmas and save the day. I loved this story a lot because even in 2023, this story is still so reliable. Everybody has their moments where they get annoyed with Christmas. Interesting fact, that was one of the reasons behind why Dr. Seuss wrote the book in the first place. You see, at the time, Dr. Seuss's wife was going through some health problems. He was also not thrilled about the commercialization of Christmas which made him feel "very grinchish". Another f...

 Hey guys, I was wondering something these last couple of days and I'm not really sure what to think to be perfectly honest. Is it really okay not to be okay? I mean I feel like there are times that I am really happy and feeling positive, then randomly I just become really depressed and just want to close the door on the world. What kind of scares me about it is just the randomness of it. I mean I thought I knew what triggers them and do my best to avoid them but for some reason I still get feel down on myself.  It kind of makes me wonder if I actually know what triggers me. I've prayed about it, but I'm still not sure what to think anymore. Am I over thinking it a little bit? Or Am I just going crazy? Because it has been getting to me mentally especially when I go from being happy and calm to just flat out depressed and just not want to be around people. What sucks even more about it was I thought I was doing good. But now I am not so sure or maybe this is all apart of God...

 One of my personal favorite movies to watch growing up as a kid was watching Dorothy, Toto, Scarecrow, Tin Man and The Cowardly Lion following that yellow brick road to see the Wizard Of Oz.  The film was released all the way back in 1939. 😮 My Nan and Pap were just little kids when this movie came out! In fact, by the time the movie had came out, the story was already 39 years old as it was written by L. Frank Baum back in 1900. Also, a musical was created in 1902 and another interesting fact I learned about the Wizard of Oz was that the book was a 14 book series of the Land of Oz. The story goes as a young farm girl named Dorothy who lives with her Aunt Em, Uncle Henry and her dog Toto in Kansas. That was until she and Toto were taken away by a cyclone and ended up in the Land of Oz and was not able to return home until she had rid Oz of the Wicked Witch of the West. What I love about this movie and never really get tired of hearing was the singing. I'm not into many music...

 As we all get ready for some winter sports this coming season, I quickly realized something. This coming girls basketball of 23-24 will mark 20 years since the 04 Lady Panthers made it all the way to the State Finals. Now I obviously was not in High School yet when this was happening, I was still in Strodes Mills. But what I remember about this squad was the simple that my big brother Cody was finishing up his High School career and it was he who was creating videos throughout the season for the Lady Panthers. This is important because looking back on it, it showed how much Cody loved making these cool sports videos which later became his career in life. So I thought I go back down memory lane a bit. I was in the seventh grade during this magical time and I enjoyed every single of it.  There were seven seniors on the team that season which included the likes of Andrea Kauffman, Alicia Espigh, Nikki Hartsock, Kellyn Knable, Alicia Rupert, Jessica Reed and Katy Kodish. There ar...

 Today is a sad day for me and my family because 13 years ago on Nov. 15 2010, I lost one of the most important people in my life. And that was my Nan. What made my Nan so special to me was her unconditional love and kindness. Heck! I couldn't say no to the woman lol. Every time me and my twin brother Chad would go down to her house to see her and mow her lawn, Nan would always asked us if we wanted her to make some shells and cheese and of course we both said no. But as soon as we finished up, we would just simply walk into her house and there she be making shells and cheese in the kitchen telling us that it was almost ready. I miss those times. Another reason I loved her was how I try to live my life like hers. Now I wasn't born and raised during the great depression like she and my Pap did. Through a lot of her hardships, she still choose to be loving  and I will always admire that about her. In fact, I often wonder how I would have turned out in my life if I didn't have...