The Shadows Follow Me

As much as I would to say that I have been the happiest that I have ever been. It really hasn't been feeling that way for a little while now. Mainly because many of my old thoughts have returned and to say things have been intense would be a very BIG understatement.

I honestly feel bad about this because I know that there are so many others out there suffering as much if not more than I am. Which is kind of the problem. I ultimately end up so being hurtful towards myself.

I start getting angry with myself and begin to just say horrible things about myself and even with issues from being taken advantage of I just hold in my anger and frustration with people because I don't want to hate anybody. But then it gets so bad and I end up just taken it out on myself.

Honestly I feel like tired a lot and it has been affecting me creativity as well as emotionally. It is that constant battle of if I am ever good enough for anything and wonder if I am ever going to make it life or do good in God's eyes. Plus I just want to prove that I can do something with my life and that I can make it on my own, even though I fear that it won't be possible.

I start getting paranoid about what people will think of me with some of my writing and I end up not writing anything and just take a break. But at the same time, I want to write this stuff because it is truly how I feel and what I am into.

I just want these thoughts to just go away. I already have enough scars on me that I don't really want to see but I know that they are there. But the thought of harming myself still lingers.

I just wish I could just hide in a dark corner and just let the world go by me because no matter how hard I try be happy, them dark thoughts are always there.

Often I wonder what is the point, but also keep telling myself that God has a plan for me and just try and stay strong. 🙏🙏🙏

I'm really sorry if I am being an annoyance to any of you guys because I know I am not alone when it comes with dealing with struggles. I feel like a fool to be honest with you guys. I just can't stop thinking about all of this and it is getting to the point where I'm just wanting to stay away from people.

I really don't like dealing with this. But again I'm staying positive and I really appreciate all of you.

Sorry guys 😢

God Bless and Be Safe! See you around!

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