The Joshua Yoder Blog

 I have to be completely honest with all of you about something. I truly believe that the only reason I am still here is through the grace of God. But there are a lot of days I wonder why. Like seriously, what could someone like me do for anyone? It has been one of the many questions I have prayed to God every single day and night. With that being said, I know that God is there. I've had too many divine signs and angelic presence that I am convinced of this. One example, when I lost my Nan many years ago, I was completely wrecked. I didn't even know what to think anymore. One day I just wanted it to be over, but suddenly I went to grab a phone number of a pastor I use to talk but hadn't in a while due to working. Here is the crazy part about this, I honestly felt that someone was telling me to go and call him that day.  If there is one thing I have learned in all these years, is that sometimes it is just best to sit back and pray and be patient. Which hasn't always been

 One of the things that I have always enjoyed watching and have mad respect for are people who have practiced martial arts. My introduction to martial arts came in the form of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers back when I was little. Another big influence in my life was the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles whether it be the video games, comic books and mostly the cartoon series. Of course I love me some kung fu movies as well with such stars like Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, Michael Jai White, etc.  Heck! Even in video games like Street Fighter, Virtua Fighter, Mortal Kombat, the Fight Night series, EA UFC series. Another major factor for my love for martial arts was the debut of the Ultimate Fighter on what was then Spike TV. This show introduced me to such legends of the sport like Randy Couture, Chuck Liddell, Ken Shamrock and many others. Pride Fighting Championships was another fun MMA Promotion to watch out of Japan. Seeing guys Dan Henderson, Wanderlei Silva, Josh Barnett, Don Frye and D

 I am a little scared to talk about this, but I am trying to find myself and understand the way I am. Sometimes it is about facing those fears. One of those fears is being judged by people after they read this. You see, my mind is constantly racing with numerous thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I wonder if these emotions are even my own.  This has been a recurring problem for me my entire life and it is something I still have a tough time getting a grasp on. I mean I can never truly seem to settle things down and just take things as they are. I always feel that there is something else. One moment I can be laughing and having a good time, doing the things I love, then all of a sudden I just want to go away and hide and cry myself to sleep. It especially doesn't help when I am around people because I get paranoid about what they are thinking about me. It's tough because I have a terrible time really opening up to people, even when I work up the courage to tell someone, I quickly

 One of things I usually end up writing about usually involve writing about dark gothic romantic stories. It has been a theme I've been basically writing for most of my life. Honestly, I found a comfort in this style of writing but I have always seem to fight it as well. I often wonder why I am this way and is it bad? I pray about it all the time. I recently looked back at some of my old writing and compare it with what I have been currently working on. And to be honest, it has really open my eyes and noticed feelings I didn't think I could have. I've also noticed how detailed I can be when it comes to some of the things I had written and what currently working on. To be honest, I really enjoy writing it, but I am scared that I am being a weirdo or a creep. Looking back I realized that one of the reasons why I enjoy writing gothic romance is the fact that I wish I could be like some of the characters I write about and it has really made me notice feelings that I never thoug

 I don't know about wealth or even the latest fashion. But one thing that I do know is how much I desire for passion. But my love and desire for her is not returned back to me. It is like I am a ghost to her that she can not see. No matter how many times I try to show her my love, she leaves me in sorrow. I just crawl back and hide from the world in the shadows. For each and every time I see her fall in despair. I always appear to comfort her and show her that I will always be there. She always tells me that she wishes that there were more like me. Yet every time I try to open my heart to them, they turn around and flee. Is there something wrong with me? For I don't know understand. Am I not good enough for any woman, am I just bland? Maybe it will never happen which is why I lack any sort of confidence. It has been so long I am convinced that no love will commence.  My biggest fear is that even if I manage to find a woman, I may never be able to show her my passion. It could j

 As they all say, the world is changing. But for some, it maybe changing too much and or too quickly for them to keep up with. I am certainly one of those people. Things have changed around me so many times in my life, you would think that I would be use to it by now. But honestly, all it really is to me is a reminder of how left out I feel in this crazy world we all live in. Now to be fair, some of which is my fault because I never really tried to reach out to people, I usually just stick to myself. I don't have a problem with anyone and I don't want to hate anybody, but for one reason or another people always coming in and out of my life. Honestly, it is kind of a double edged sword for me. Now be prepared to be shock cause I am about to say something positive about myself 😆. I am proud of the fact that I had a friend in any of the social circles. I didn't care what anybody was regardless of beliefs, etc. I just wanted people to feel safe and that they can be themselves

 Have any of you ever heard of the phase, you are too hard on yourself? It has become a very common one for me in my life. As I have mentioned before, I struggle with mental health issues like depression and anxiety. I bring this up because I feel that it is time to face the music and face my past. The struggles of self abuse. Most people who harm themselves are usually physical and that you can even see the scars on their bodies. My scars can't be shown though. If fact, I don't ever really look down at my hands or even look down in my arms because I see nothing but scars all around me. I've had doctors explain to me that they are not really there and I do believe them, yet I still see them. Now, God knows that I am far from perfect, nobody is, but I go everyday trying to be the best I can be. The only problem is I never think of it as ever being good enough really for anybody. Whether it be my family, friends and even God. It has been a long road to say the least. But I wi

As I sit along the river, surrounded by nothing but darkness, wondering what is the point of life. My body is shaken, yet I feel so numb. I keep trying to convince myself that things will be alright and that it can only get better from here. But who am I kidding? Things will never get better, there is no hope for someone like me. I pull out my knife and gazes into its shiny reflection and all that I can see is a miserable man who never had a chance in life and never understood the point of his existence.  It is finally time to put an end to all of this I say to myself as I open the blade and place it on the edge to my wrist. The feeling of the cold steel on my skin, is the first time in a very long time that I could feel anything and I can honestly say that it is a welcoming feeling. Maybe I had finally found my true purpose in this world.   I close my eyes reading for the sweet serenity that is to come. Finally I can get away from all this misery and suffering, I don’t have

 It feels as though I live in a world of constant sorrow. Not even sure if I want to wake up and face tomorrow. Yet something is dragging me through each and every day. I often wonder why because I don't see anything special about me but no one can say. Is this a sign from above? Is this a gift of divine love? There is so many people around me but yet, I feel so alone. What am I suppose to do? I'm not even sure what is even true. I live with constant anxiety and the struggle is real. I can't stop wondering what is my appeal. I just see myself as no big deal. Honestly there have been plenty of days where my mind is racing that I don't even know if I should smile or frown. All I can do is just try and settle and pray my mind calms down. To this day, I can't find out why I am this way but there is something calming me with a divine feel. But truth be told, the struggle is real.