Land of Confusion

 I am a little scared to talk about this, but I am trying to find myself and understand the way I am. Sometimes it is about facing those fears. One of those fears is being judged by people after they read this.

You see, my mind is constantly racing with numerous thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I wonder if these emotions are even my own. 

This has been a recurring problem for me my entire life and it is something I still have a tough time getting a grasp on. I mean I can never truly seem to settle things down and just take things as they are. I always feel that there is something else.

One moment I can be laughing and having a good time, doing the things I love, then all of a sudden I just want to go away and hide and cry myself to sleep.

It especially doesn't help when I am around people because I get paranoid about what they are thinking about me. It's tough because I have a terrible time really opening up to people, even when I work up the courage to tell someone, I quickly regret it and begin panicking that that person must think I am crazy or something.

I have a tough time understanding people and to say I am social awkward is a major understatement! I get embarrassed when people are having a conversation about anything, or tell a joke and everyone is having a good time and there I am just sitting there confused and awkward.

I do my best to be polite and be one of guys so to speak. But I ultimately I just end up feeling left out and just plain weird to them so I just end hiding in the shadows.

To be fair though, I don't blame anybody though cause I myself don't understand what goes on in my head. I just wish I could be better at explaining things or even understand things especially in today's day and age.

Of course, it is even tougher now with everyone coming in and out of my life but again, that is just how the world is now. 

This has effected my writing and creativity and most certainly my mental health. But what I am trying to do is to help encourage others that there is always hope.

I pray for everyone who is dealing with this like me can find help and find their happy place and be with people they care about for the rest of their lives.

I don't want to see anyone be alone in life and I pray that whoever reads this understands that yes things are not looking great right now. But remember there are people out there that who will understand you as well as love you for who you are.

God Bless and Be Safe!