The Joshua Yoder Blog

One of the common themes that you guys will see in some of my writing is a lot of dark and gothic tales about good vs evil, right vs wrong. More importantly that constant struggle within. You see, the main reason why I seem to write a lot about these kinds of stories is my continuous battle with anxiety and depression. It has been an issue since I was a little kid and I sadly admit that the thought of suicide has crossed my mind on numerous occasions. Though on a positive note, I have not had one of those thoughts for quite a while now which I am very thankful for. I also must admit, that I am very scared to be even writing this for all of you to see. To be perfectly honest, I'm scared to even be around people. My anxiety goes through the roof just by seeing someone look at me makes me turn my head away. A lot of it comes from my issues with Cerebral Palsy and Scoliosis. A fact that I didn't really realize until me and my twin brother Chad were at our doctor's appointment p

Despite all the disappointments, and failures, I still feel safe and secure. I give God all the credit in the world for giving me the strength to endure. A door has been closed and a new one has been opened to me. I admit that I am a bit scared, but I will walk through this door full of glee. The world is my oyster and I am ready to face a new beginning. I thank God every day for being able to wake up each and everyday to try my best to make this world worth living. To create a world full of love and giving. I pray for your guidance, Lord Jesus Christ! With all the angels and all the saints, I pray for us all. No matter how many times we will fall, please give us all the strength to stand tall. I do not wish ill will to anyone and prefer to show love. Like you did with all of us in the form of a turtle dove. Whether it be the sun or the moon there will always be light. It is God’s way to help us keep our paths in sight. We would all be nothing without you! That is why we must all remem

Outside, the night sky is filled with rain. Inside, I lay in bed filled with pain. My mind is full of rage that nobody can see. Even then they would still flee from me. All my friends that I once had are now either drunk or high. I pray that I never hear the day that they died. Their scars are on full display for everyone to see. But nobody sees the scars that are on me. For they come from within. A reminder of each and every sin. Lord! I wish for someone to notice my pain and sorrow. I sometimes fear I won’t live to see tomorrow. Yet, somehow, I feel an angelic presence around me, telling me that everything will be alright. It has given me the strength to face each and everyday with all my might. Every time I feel like a failure because of every single sin. An angel is there to encourage me to never give in.  I do not know what this weird and crazy world has in store. But I will continue to seek the Lord for answers, quote the raven, forevermore!

I am so sick of all these lonely nights with no woman to hold. I just lay here in this bed that feels so cold. As tears fall down my miserable face. I can’t help but beg and pray to get out of this place. Dreams race through my mind that I desperately wish were true. Only to realize the reality and it makes me feel blue. I thought I had found love once. It only ended in heartbreak and it made me feel like a complete and utter dunce. Her love I felt was going to take me far. Only to find out that it left me cold alone and covered in scars. Why Lord!? Why must I live in this world? What is my purpose? I just feel so completely worthless. I tell myself that it can happen, that I can find someone who can fill my heart with glee. Oh are you kidding me! God I just want to end it all! All I ever do anymore is cover my face and bawl. For then I see a great light. It blinds me at first. But when I see the most beautiful sight. A woman so beautiful covered in white lace smiling seductively at me

  As I lay awake this cold and dark night. Can’t sleep and I have tried with all my might. I peer out into the darkness and see nothing in sight. It is the same feeling that I feel inside my heart, so cold and empty. I’ve tried everything I could to fill the void but nothing ever seems to satisfy me. Am I to wonder in this god forsaken world with no hope forthcoming? Or shall I reduce myself to nothing? Everywhere I go, I see hopelessness in the eyes of my fellow man. It is a sight I can no longer withstand. The loneliness in my heart is a pain I do not wish on my worst enemy. No matter how much pain is in front of me. I lay down and pray to all the angels and the saints to guide me. To the one true being that I pray will find me. Nothing makes sense in this world and no one here can tell me what is true. So I shall lay here feeling blue. Somedays, I don't know how I can keep living. I can’t see how I can live a life that is fulfilling. God only knows the things I truly desire. Yet

 This world I live in, I do not know. The darkness is a common and yet, a fierce foe. Depression is all over my mind. I can't ever seem to just laid back and unwind. My world is crumbling. Everytime I try to take a step, I just end up stumbling. Why am I such a failure? I feel completely torn. I am ashamed to admit, that there are days that I wish I was never been born. No matter how hard I try, I can never build up my confidence. Heading away from the world has been my only defense. God please help me! I don't know what to do! I have some much racing through my mind, it just makes me feel blue. I'm not even sure what I am trying to do to be honest with you. I just me to be me and forever stay true blue. I'm sorry to everyone who has gotten to know me. I feel like they just want to get away from me and flee. There is a long road ahead of me and I will try my best to stay positive. I just pray that I can avoid all things that are negative. These thoughts I always seem to