The Joshua Yoder Blog

As much as I would to say that I have been the happiest that I have ever been. It really hasn't been feeling that way for a little while now. Mainly because many of my old thoughts have returned and to say things have been intense would be a very BIG understatement. I honestly feel bad about this because I know that there are so many others out there suffering as much if not more than I am. Which is kind of the problem. I ultimately end up so being hurtful towards myself. I start getting angry with myself and begin to just say horrible things about myself and even with issues from being taken advantage of I just hold in my anger and frustration with people because I don't want to hate anybody. But then it gets so bad and I end up just taken it out on myself. Honestly I feel like tired a lot and it has been affecting me creativity as well as emotionally. It is that constant battle of if I am ever good enough for anything and wonder if I am ever going to make it life or do good i

This coming Thursday will be April 25, 2024. On one hand, I will be getting to watch the up and coming NFL Draft. But before I go and do that, I will be going to remembering one of my favorite people who was in my life and brought me a lot of amazing memories. And that was my Pap. It is very hard to believe that it has been over twenty years since the surprising death of Pap. To this very day it still stings a bit looking back on his untimely death mainly because I was so young when he past away. April 25, 2000 will always be a day of sorrow personally. I remember it like it was yesterday, Me and my twin brother Chad were only nine years old and along with our older brother Cody, had just came home from School when we were quickly brought into the house by my parents. I will never forget the look on my mother's face, she seemed so pale. I remember she sat us down on the couch and told us that Pap had a big heart attack and was rushed to the hospital and even worse, he didn't ma

 These last few days have been quite interesting to say the least and be prepared to be shocked everybody because I am going to be positive. Which does not happen too often. But Hey! I'll take it! I just been having this incredible feeling coming over me and it has me excited about something I honestly never really thought about before. And that is Hope For The Future. I know it is rich coming from someone like me, especially with my history dealing with what I have and I know that I will certainly will be dealing with it in the future as well. And to be honest, I feel like I can take it with a smile on my face. Again, this is something I am not use to and I am certainly looking forward to see what God has in store for me. Even though it feels like everything in the world is crumbling, I truly believe that there is something beautiful coming out of all of this. I really am so excited to see what all of this means to me in my life because again, I am not really use to feeling this w

 I recently went to the movie theater this past weekend with some friends along with my twin brother Chad and the movie we all went to see was called Godzilla x King Kong: The New Empire. The movie itself wasn't too bad if I am being perfectly honest with all of you. But watching the movie had brought me to an interesting thought. What is really out there? You see, movies like that especially ones that involve stuff like space travel, the rise of technology, laser weapons, aliens, etc. Stuff like this is always fascinating to me because I believe in aliens and stuff and often wonder what is out there. Whether it be seeing other planets, other solar systems, flying cars, being able to teleport or becoming a cyborg, the future seems pretty cool. Of course there are also several things that can go wrong with the future. So I guess what I am trying to say is I would love to be able to see where all of this is going. But I don't believe that I will live long enough to see it. And it

 In a previous blog I had written about wanting to be true to myself and to be able to be among other people and find a sense of belonging and closeness that I have been looking for, for a very long time now. However I often wonder in my head if it is too late for me to be able to do that because I feel as though everyone in the world is drifting a part from each other. I say this for a couple different reasons. Number 1, technology, with the rise of the internet that started in the mid-90s people seem more interested with stuff online than what is happening in the real world. Everywhere I go now, people seem to be on their phones so much even if they are at a public area or event. Which is weird to me because I remember my father would always make fun of me and my twin brother Chad for playing video games or watching pro wrestling and even anime. But what I think my dad doesn't realize is that when we were little, yes we did play a lot of video games, we were a part of the Pokemon

 As I continue to try my best with getting out into the world and be more open and honest with myself as well as other people. I have been facing a lot of issues with being more open or maybe I am just overthinking things as always. I guess, what I am trying to say is that I wish I was more confident in what I want to say or tell people. And to also be less concerning on how people would react to some of the things I really want to talk about or want to discover if this is truly something that really is a part of me. It is however getting a little tougher for me mainly because of how the world is constantly changing and everybody is just judging and or attacking one another over slight differences. I just want to be myself without fear of having to look over my shoulder. But I will say I have been slowly building up my confidence with everything especially this past year. And I give all the credit to GOD. These last few months alone I have been noticing that I haven't been as anxio