Post #300! Struggles With Faith! Search For Myself!

Well, this one is going to be tough to talk about honestly, wasn't really sure if I should be writing about something like this. But I keep reminding myself to be more open, to not be afraid and more importantly go with faith.

Which is kind of the topic of today's blog, I've been doing a lot of self-reflecting lately and I am trying my best to work up the courage to talk about something. I was looking back on things when I really struggled with self-harming and one of the biggest reasons as to why I was self-abusing was my struggles with my faith and understanding of myself. Basically, I really do not know who I am anymore and I often wonder if anything I would even be remotely interested in learning or I think I may like, I quickly start questioning if I should be this way.

I can trace this all the back to my youth back in the 90s. For the record, I do believe in Jesus, I just do not know how I really feel about organized religion. 

Growing up, my parents although never really went to church themselves, have always told me and my brothers to believe in God and have faith. I remember my mother especially would tell me that whatever happens was meant to happen and it is all part of a greater plan that we could never understand.

Like I said earlier, this all really started during my childhood when I started wondering about things. It began with the kind of music that I listened to which I listen to all kinds of music, but I started off listening to rock and metal mainly because of my Father. Now it is no secret that there is a negative stereotype surrounding heavy metal which in my humble opinion is incredibly stupid. People would always tell me how evil and dark it was, yet I didn't see anything wrong with it, it made me feel happy. But that's how it started, I would start questioning myself whether I was a bad person or not.

It filtered into my love of storytelling as, my favorite movie/story ever is The Crow which along with Are You Afraid of the Dark, Goosebumps, etc, really led to me liking the Gothic genre. I felt like I could relate more to those movies than I did watching movies that were "Acceptable". I just feel more comfortable living in those kind of worlds. It feels more believable to me, I love the whole concept of there being something beautiful despite the world being so gloom and doom, you know like there is always hope.

But around that time too, I started learning that there was more out there spiritually than from what I was always told. For example, I loved watching Scooby Doo as a kid and seeing movies like the Witch's Ghost and hearing about Wicca. Then in Zombie Island, I learned about Voodoo. I soon realized that there was so much more out there that I wanted to explore, of course my mother would not allow that.

Also being a fan of Sci-fi and Martial Art genres as well, I started to read about different philosophies from other countries. I began wondering if there was so much more out there than I was being told. Plus it didn't help that a lot of those people who said how bad or horrible about the things I liked were being hypocrites and it made me wonder if everything I thought I knew was nothing more than a lie. Also, I believe in aliens and other lifeforms from other planets.

Not to mention that throughout history people have been using words that mean differently than how they are using them. But again, I started to hate myself and hurt myself because of it. Like how dare I question things!? Even my parents were like, you shouldn't question God's Authority. But I was like, I am not questioning God's Authority, I just want to learn and understand. Stuff like that just made me want to hurt myself even more because I am not trying to offend anybody, especially God.

It didn't get any better the older I got, during my time in high school, I really found my passion for writing. Of course there was plenty of spiritual/religious stuff I like to write, there was also plenty dark and gothic things I wrote about, but I also discovered that I really like to write about sex and romance.

To be honest, it just came out at of nowhere, I remember writing it and looking back and I was like whoa. Did I just write that? I soon discovered that I was a pretty sensual person and still am. The problem with that those is I have become very scared about it because I fear that I am coming off as a total perv or creep in women's eyes. It doesn't help I have written about harem relationships and other stuff which again, didn't realize what it was and frankly still don't know much about it because I never really had anyone to talk about it with me.

It also doesn't help that I have been hurt by women in the past which has made it even tougher for me to write stuff without being scared of what people will think of it or worse, hate and hurt myself. Maybe I am a creep, maybe I am a monster.

It has been something that I wanted to showcase some of my old writing to you guys on my blog, but I just don't know how you would take it. Plus, seeing how some people are nowadays, It makes me even more timid to write it because I don't want to be misunderstood which in all honestly, I most likely already am. Some of the poems in my book Thoughts Of A Sheltered Mind I was scared to put in because I didn't know what people will think or how seeing what goes through my head in a daily basis would make other people feel.

For years I would just wanted to hurt and hate myself because of all of this and I wondered if I am acceptable in God's eyes. I mean I ain't exactly anything special. Having Scoliosis and Cerebral Palsy doesn't help, I often wonder if I am being punished for something and wonder why must go through this? What is the plan?

It just seems as though, my world has fallen a part and I never really know who the real me is. Or if I ever will know for sure and even if I did, could I accept it?

However, these last few years, have really been an eye opening experience for me. I finally started to talk with God about everything and I got to be honest, It felt like a huge weight was pulled off my shoulders. I felt so much warmth and love. I was like, are you saying that everything is okay? Like, I'm not as ashamed about all of these as I once was. 

Of course, I still struggle with it from time to time, but I also feel if I don't let this stuff out, it is just going to keep getting worse for me and I am going to go back to really self-harm again. But this time I feel like I notice the triggers.

Ultimately, I just want to learn and understand who I am, but most of all, finally start loving myself. But more importantly, use it in a positive manner.

I would like to ask all of you to please pray for me as I go through this journey and I pray that God will always be there with me.

But I also would like to thank all of you for your continued support of my blog as I have now reached my 300 blog post.

Until Next Time!

God Bless and Be Safe Everybody! 🙏🙏🙏