Is It Worth It To Keep Fighting?

 You know the thing I hate the most about dealing with depression and just mental health in general is the simple fact that I know that there are so many people in this world you is dealing with struggles in their lives. And I keep telling myself to stay humble and be grateful for everything I have in this world and that things can always be worse, but, I ultimately just end up hating myself.

I wish I was stronger, I really do because I feel embarrassed about feeling this way. I hate it! I really, really hate dealing with this crap in my head! I mean, there are people dealing with cancer and other diseases, people who are struggling with addiction, you know we all got problems. So I do apologize I am honestly not trying to make this about me because I ain't anything special and most likely never will be.

I'm just so frustrated about life and just trying to find meaning in anything really. My whole life I have tried my best to prove that I can do something with myself and overcome my issues but I feel like I am failing on every level no matter how hard I try. I was always told to work hard and good things will come, you just got to keep fighting. And to be perfectly honest with all of you, I am really getting exhausted with having to deal with all of this.

I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror because I know that all I am going to see, is a complete and utter failure. I honestly feel like an embarrassment to my parents. I've tried to work extremely hard at everything I do and yet, I feel like I am going nowhere. Because of that it has been draining both mentally as well physically.

There are things about myself that I want to explore and understand. I want to know who I really am and more importantly, be able to accept myself. To be honest I wish I could explain myself better but I am too scared to because I am scared of what people will think of me and I really don't want to deal with that. But at the same time, I wish somebody would be there to listen and talk about it.

I don't even know if I can overcome this and it really scares the ever living crap out of me! I keep telling myself to think about what I have been able to do like publish my first book which was something I never thought would have been possible. And I am still working on plenty other stuff as well like a novel and other poems. But I still end up questioning if I am going to make it.

I've been praying about it and I have yet to find an answer and it's really getting to me. I know they say patience is a virtue but man. How much longer do I have to wait?

For the record, I am not looking for pity, I am not suicidal. I am just simply venting frustrations in which honestly, maybe I needed to write all of this out. This blog has certainly, been that for me, a way to relief myself.

But I am really scared about the future and mentally and physically, I just feel exhausted. I also hope that all of you who are dealing with simpler issues are able to find your peace of mind.

God Bless and Be Safe

Until Next Time!