Fear of Change and the Struggles of Connecting with Others in an Ever Changing World!

 Sorry it has been a little while since I was writing on my blog. I am a shame to admit that I have been pretty depressed these last few days. Honestly, I also been doing a lot of soul searching again and I have come to realize or finally willing to admit that I have a major fear of change.

I would even say that I am not scared of change, I am petrified of it! There is so much out there that I ain't even close to understanding and I may never be able to. This fear has kept me from wanting to reach out into the world and find myself, but also the ability to reach out and build relationships with other people.

Ever since I was little I had always struggled to really get close to anyone. Don't get me wrong, I got along with everyone regardless of who they are and I am proud of that. But at the same time, it was hard for me to truly connect with anybody because I have had so many people come in a out of my life that I failed to even try to talk to anyone even my own family.

Again, I don't have a problem with anybody. In fact, I don't want to hate nobody! I just get so awkward around people and even when I do open up to someone, they move on and I am back to square one.

Unfortunately, this also includes my family. I love them all, I really do! But it has been so hard to really want to talk to them about things because they don't really know how to help me. To be fair, it isn't their fault. They don't know or understand my struggles either. When my parents first learned about Chad and I's issues, no one really told them what to do or even where to go to help us. To this day we still do not know what to do, so I kind of just stopped.

It is bad enough that I have problems at home, but sadly that fear has also kept me from really wanting to explore the world. With the world being ever changing whether it being technology, with how people talk with one another, even with jobs, I have a tough time wanting to get out there because I feel like I am good enough to do it.

Heck! I can even understand what people talk about. I can't tell you how many times I am sitting around listening to people talk with one another and I just feel absolutely clueless! Even when I say something I kind of just crawl into a ball and shut up because I feel embarrassed about what I just said or I just don't talk at all.

I really don't know what to do to be perfectly honest with you guys. I feel so behind and left out in a lot of things. Now it is nobodies fault, I do not blame anybody, these were the cards I have been dealt and I like to think that this is all part of God's plan for me. I really do! 🙏🙏🙏

However, I have been worried about my body recently because of my CP and Scoliosis. My neck and back has been a little more sore than usual and have a little bit tougher of a time to do somethings physically sometimes. To be honest, I blame myself for some of it because I was abusing myself mentally for so long and I trying to overcome that.

But again, as weird as this may sound, I have faith that this is all part of God's Plan in my growth in all aspects, in mind, body and spirit. I truly been feeling like I have made a lot of growth since I started this journey and I honestly believe that there is something coming for me and I just have to find ways to stay positive and trust in God's Plan.

I do admit that I am still scared with what the future holds for me. But what is a little different this time around compared to years past is that I still have hope and faith and confident that this storm will past where before, I would run and hide.

I also just wanted to say I love every single one of you guys and gals! 

God Bless and Be Safe!